France Invades U.S. (Part 1)
After months of build up, the French government, led by Jacques Chirac, launched a pre-emptive attack on the United States of America.
Declaring the US "a rogue nation in violation of international law and in defiance of UN resolution 1441," France launched a major ground offensive to overturn what they called "the illegitimate regime of George W. Bush." Citing the 2000 election as proof of an unlawful government, the French claimed they are invading the US to bring democracy to the American people. Termed Operation American Freedom, Jacques Chirac declared on French National TV: "the failure of the US to disarm and the threats against France by the unelected president has created the need to invade America in order to protect us against the inevitable aggression by the US along with Bush's stockpiling of weapons of mass destruction.” The US, he declared, was part of an axis of evil along with the United Kingdom and Israel.
After a relentless bombing campaign termed "le shock et l'awe," French and German coalition forces captured Washington DC and the surrounding areas. German troops controlled territory from North Carolina to Florida.
Chirac appointed Dominique de Villepin as interim president and established a governing council of Americans. The complete transition to the American leadership is scheduled to occur on June 30 2004. Made up of African Americans, Native Americans, Mexican Americans, and a few white "Conservatives," this council will govern the newly liberated US beginning on July 1, 2004.
Meanwhile, former President George W. Bush has been arrested after a tip led to his capture in a "spider hole" just outside of Crawford, Texas. Bush was met by French soldiers with the greeting: "Jacques Chirac sends his regards." The American informant received 25 million Euros for the information and was given French citizenship and a change of identity. The former undisclosed American citizen who revealed "W's" whereabouts was hailed as a hero by the French media. George W. Bush was in good health and was seen on TV with a beard, long hair and his trademark cowboy hat. His daughters have vanished and his wife's whereabouts is unknown. President Bush has vowed his innocence and declared the French invasion illegal.
Meanwhile American Insurgents have fought the French army using guerrilla tactics and terrorist strikes. According to Chirac, these terrorists "hate freedom and will not succeed in our desire to bring peace, security and democracy to America." Chirac, when told of the upsurge in American resistance said: “Les bring ‘em on.”
In a recent event, American insurgents attacked an SUV carrying four French Foreign Legion Mercenaries. Dragged from their vehicle, the four Frenchmen were executed and dragged through the streets of Arlington, Virginia. Burned and hacked, the French "contractors" were despicably hung from a bridge over the Potomac. The French government promised to "pacify" the American terrorists "at a time and place of our choosing."
The French forces, equipped with helicopters, missiles and advanced weaponry, attacked Arlington, Virginia inflicting 490 American deaths and over 1000 injuries. Called operation Vigilant Resolve, the government of Jacques Chirac claimed the action was justified to avenge the killing and humiliation of the so-called French "contractors". Terrorism, Chirac declared, “must be fought at all costs and France will never require a permission slip from anyone to protect its citizens."
Meanwhile, back in the US, American insurgents have retaken Charlotte, Savannah and Jacksonville. Chirac declared these terrorists will be defeated and the will of the French people is unshakable. Chirac, after landing on the French Aircraft Carrier Napoleon, and declaring, "Mission Accomplished," has admitted over 500 French soldiers have been killed and 3000 were wounded by the criminal and terrorist "freedom hating" Americans.
A spokesman for Chirac announced today that Donald Rumsfeld has been captured but his detention remains classified. Donald Rumsfeld, the Ace of Diamonds in Chirac's deck of cards, was the former Defense Secretary under the brutal undemocratic administration of George W. Bush. Rumsfeld, according to Chirac, was wanted "dead or alive". "The world today is a safer place with Rumsfeld in custody," said Chirac.
With the French death toll now surpassing 650 and the American death toll in the tens of thousands, according to Chirac, "all human life is precious, even sometimes American, but such is the price of freedom and democracy."
In an extraordinary event, evangelist and former presidential candidate Pat Robertson declared today "Christian Jihad" against what he called French "Atheists". Citing, "better to die as a martyr," Robertson appealed to all Christians to expel the French invaders and return the US to its Christian traditions. Robertson has issued a "Fatwa" declaring the French "Atheists" as illegal invaders and to attack them with passion. "Jesus is Great," declared Robertson. The French government met in Paris this morning and declared Robertson an enemy of the American people and issued a warrant for his arrest.
In a stunning new development, the French government announced an estimated 10,000 Americans have been detained by French, German, Bulgarian, Ukrainian and Polish coalition forces in a newly built "rehabilitation" camp in West Virginia. Branded as "terrorists" these detainees, according to interim president de Villepin, are treated in accordance with Geneva Convention rules. However, he has denied the Red Cross or any human rights groups access to inspect living conditions in the West Virginia "rehabilitation" camp.
Today Chirac and Schroeder issued a communiqué announcing their scheduled meeting in Paris later this week to discuss the ever increasing terrorist violence in the US. Chirac and Schroeder will discuss the transfer of power to the American council on June 30 and how to combat the growing American insurgency.
Chirac and Schroeder concluded their communiqué stating: Vive la France and Deutschland über alles.
France Invades United States (part 2)
Heavy fighting continued across major US cities today as French "Liberation" forces surrounded Virginia Beach, Va. in a showdown with Christian fundamentalist and High Priest Pat Robertson. Robertson was believed to be hiding in a church in Virginia Beach.
Robertson's 700 "Gang" was bracing for the French assault and vowed to "die fighting rather than surrender."
French Général Jean Abizaid, in a news conference in occupied Washington, D.C., vowed to "capture Robertson and bring him to justice."
Robertson, a little-known evangelist, became a symbol of national American resistance after the interim president and U.S. civilian administrator Dominique de Villepin closed Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network. De Villepin claimed the CBN was fomenting Christian radicalism and inciting violence.
Robertson mockingly referred to de Villepin as "de villain man" and said that God told him "George Bush will soon be returned to power in a landslide."
A spokesman for French President Jacques Chirac said such remarks "are not helpful" and can only serve to inflame an already delicate situation. Bush was recently arrested after a tip from an American "patriot" led French forces to his spider hole near his ranch in Crawford, Texas .
Over 1,000 American civilians have been killed this month by French snipers, while Cobra helicopters fired rockets and German made machine-guns strafed homes and churches.
Americans, initially in fear of French and German coalition forces are now turning to anger as mounting casualties stretch along wider portions of the United States.
The fragile American council, set to take power on June 30, has become increasing concerned about the heavy handed military tactics used by the French forces against the occupied Americans. German coalition forces occupying the southeast portion of the country expressed growing dissatisfaction as well. One anonymous German Field Marshall criticized the French for excessive use of force and declared the French “are behaving like Nazis."
In a news conference Chirac defended the use of force against the American civilians saying that the insurgency was caused by troublemakers and "freedom hating" terrorists. Coupled with former Republican "God" remnants and Conservative Party loyalists, these holdovers of the former regime of George W. Bush "will be defeated and they will not deter the French from bringing peace and democracy to the silent majority of American people, " noted Chirac.
Chirac looked somber and tired during the news conference but felt that the American occupation was going well. When asked about the growing number of French casualties, Chirac replied, “C'est La Guerre.”
With his poll numbers dropping below 50 percent approval for the first time in his presidency, Chirac is coming under increased criticism by the French media and socialist candidate for president, Jean Francois Kerre.
Kerre, a decorated war hero who served during the French occupation of Vietnam in the 1950s, is the likely candidate from the Socialist party to oppose Chirac in France's November elections. Wounded at France's defeat at Dien Bien Phu, Kerre returned to Paris in the 1950s and opposed the French occupation of Vietnam and later Algeria. Kerre initially supported Chirac’s decision to invade the United States but now, with French public support collapsing, he has become harshly critical of Chirac's policies. In a recent speech Kerre mocked Chirac with, "I have three words for Chirac: ’C'est La Guerre.’”
If elected president, Kerre's plan to bring peace and democracy to the United States is to share authority in America with "Old Europe."
Chirac's vice president, Alphonse Francois de Sade, known as "Marquis," continues to insist that America is stockpiling weapons of mass destruction and that the American invasion is going according to plan.
According to Vice President de Sade, it is likely that chemical, biological and nuclear weapons were moved to either Canada or Mexico.
Vice President de Sade warned Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin and Mexican President Vicente Fox that they, too, risk invasion if they don't stop American terrorists from smuggling banned weapons into Canada and Mexico respectively.
De Sade added, "Canada and Mexico must improve security along their borders with America."
Prime Minister Martin and President Fox vehemently denied storing banned American weapons. French separatists in Quebec concurred with de Sade's remarks and supported his ultimatum.
Short on food and clean water, with no electricity, and casualties estimated to be nearing 50,000 dead and 200,000 wounded, the plight of the Americans under French occupation is beginning to attract world condemnation.
Chirac, at a press conference with Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak on Easter Sunday, said that he was praying for casualties to ebb in America.
"Every day I pray there are fewer French casualties, but I know what we are doing in America is right," noted Chirac. He mentioned nothing about American casualties.
"C'est la vie," concluded Chirac.